How a Fish Almost Destroyed My Childhood

When I was seven, my family moved from suburban California to rural Idaho.   In an effort to embrace Northern Idaho culture, my dad took me fishing at a lake near our house.   I was really excited.


Mostly because I thought that I would get to keep the fish I caught as a pet.  


My dad spent all day showing me how to thread a worm and cast a line.  


Every second, I expected to feel a pull on my hook and reel in my new best friend.  It never happened.  


I was heartbroken.  Even though I never got to meet my fish friend, it felt like he had been forcibly taken from me.  My hopes were crushed.  As my dad was desperately trying to console me, a kindly fisherman took note and offered to let me have one of the fish he had in his bucket. 


I was ecstatic!  My mind immediately composed a vivid montage of all the fun times I would have with my new friend. 

The fisherman set his bucket on the dock and let me pick out my fish.  I chose the cutest fish I could find and lovingly transferred it to my own bucket.   "Hi," I whispered; "My name is Allie.  I'm your new best friend."   

Once we got home, my dad went to take a nap and I carried my fish's bucket out into our backyard.   I set the bucket down and ran as fast as my excited little legs could carry me to fetch a shovel.  


  

I set my friend free in his new home and watched him swim around for awhile.  I felt so pleased with myself for transporting this humble little fish from his old life of poverty and hardship to a new life with his very own pond and all the bread pieces he could eat.  

After making sure that my fish was comfortable and happy, I went inside to make toys and furniture for him.  I glued toothpicks and popsicle sticks together to form miniature chairs and tables.  My fish was going to love his new home!  I was so excited for him.  

An hour or so later, I proudly carried the things I made outside to give to my fish.  


As I got closer to the pond, I could already sense that there was something wrong.  There were no happy splashing sounds.  I couldn't see the water over the top of hole I'd dug.  I dropped the fish furniture I had made and broke into a run.  

When I reached the pond, I was horrified to discover that most of the water had been absorbed into the ground.  My fish was lying on its side, flopping around in about a half-inch of mud-water.  


WHAT HAD I DONE????  I immediately got the hose and started spraying my fish with a stream of cold water.  


I filled up the hole and waited.  My fish floated belly-up in the murky water.  Every now and then he would thrash around and try to turn himself over unsuccessfully.  I tried to help him stay right-side up by holding him in the correct orientation and then releasing him gently, but he always flopped back over lifelessly.  It became clear that he wasn't going to make it.  

I knew what I had to do.  

I went inside and got my mom's butcher knife.  


I didn't want my fish to suffer.  I had to be brave for him.  I had to do the right thing and finish what I started.  I drug the fish over to our brick patio and prepared to end its life as quickly and painlessly as I could. 


I held the blade high over my head.  It glinted in the sunlight as I tried to steady my nerves.   


I took a deep breath and brought the knife down as hard as I could. 


 I barely dented my fish.  It flopped around as urgently as a half-dead fish can, as if to say "OHMYGODI'MBLEEDING!!!!!! WHAT THE F*CKING F*CK ARE YOU DOING???? IF YOU'RE GOING TO DECAPITATE ME, DO IT!!! KIIIIIIIIIILLLLL MEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!"

I began to frantically hack at it, over and over, like a berserk war machine.  

 

I couldn't kill it.  My pathetic 7-year-old muscles could not sever the fish's head.  I needed help. 

I ran inside and woke up my dad.  

Imagine, for a second, that you are peacefully slumbering after a nice day of bonding with your young daughter - who you think is playing peacefully out in the yard.  You are warm and comfortable and feeling secure about your life.  And then you are abruptly woken up by this:


Upon discovering that his daughter was crying and covered in blood, my dad became visibly distressed.  He asked me what was wrong and if I was okay and where did all the blood come from? But all he could get out of me were half-sentences interrupted by hyperventilation and random screaming.  

I was eventually able to drag him out to the patio where the fish was still flopping around heroically, spattering blood all over our new brickwork.  My dad told me to go inside.  

From under the covers of my parent's bed, I could hear metal strike brick.  Just once.  Then my dad came back inside and sat down on the bed next to me.  He patted me on the head and asked me if I wanted fish tacos for dinner.   

202 comments:

1 – 200 of 202   Newer›   Newest»
miss. chief said...

AAAAH!! Wow. I have a kind of similar story involving a dead hamster and a friendly dog who loved digging up dead animals who were lovingly buried in a little hamster funeral...so traumatizing. Ugh

Brianne said...

Someone should make a movie about this.

Anonymous said...

Tacos.. YUM!

Kate said...

Oh my God! You were demented as a child even. I love it! Your poor parents.

Elan said...

This is just a ridiculous story, and I don't doubt for a second that it is true. Why were you able to find a butcher knife at such a young age? Why were you able to dig a whole ditch all by yourself? What was your childhood like? LOL.

Anonymous said...

Oh my sweet jesus. I have never laughed so hard because of drawings made in paint. Or been so terrified. Is this where serial killers come from?

WannabeVirginia W. said...

Oh my goodness, that was upsetting :(

Jingle said...

Children are just so resilient!!

Katie Reeves said...

Try having to live with eating your pet goose for Christmas dinner which you didn't know till you went and looked for her the next day. /sad

kisekae said...

omg this is hilarious!

Tony said...

This is my favorite post EVER! I seriously almost died! I was leaning back in my chair, and I started laughing REALLY hard at the pictures of you slamming the knife down on the fish, and you get bloodier and bloodier in each picture, and I fell backwards from laughing, and the back of my head hit my dog's kennel. You could have killed me...YAY!

haley said...

Imaginary best friend, I have a short story to tell you. When I was 10 years old, my grandfather (an alcoholic who was in recovery at the time) decided that, since we hadn't spent much time together, he should take me fishing. We fished. I caught a trout! We kept him on a thready thing in the water for a while. I took him on walks along the lake shore. I named him 'Fred'. I'm pretty sure he wasn't a ladyfish. At the time, it didn't matter. When the sun started to set, my grandpa told me it was time to go and that I should bring 'Fred' to him. I did, thinking he would be put in the ice chest for the ride home. And he was, after he was brutally stabbed in the gut! I cried. Fred stayed wrapped in foil in my mom's freezer for months, she eventually snuck him out to the trash. :( Anyway, I haven't gone fishing since...and I talk a lot.

Stacy said...

Good God. That is the most disturbing and hilarious story I have ever read. Your drawings make me laugh so hard I can't breathe.

zachary said...

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!i feel bad laughing but it's okay...i can't stand it anymore hahaha...

Salt said...

I'm laughing, but really nauseated at the same time.
I don't think I'm going to be able to eat fish tacos again for awhile.

Joann Mannix said...

This post kept getting funnier and funnier until I was snorting and unable to breathe. You are a true genius. You need to get all of this brilliance in a book. For real.

Dyinetch said...

Hahaha! Really cute post!

And you ate best fish friend for dinner?

Ellie said...

THis is exactly what I needed before going to horrible horrible work today. sigh. It's ok body, that's just LAUGHTER.

Joanne Levy said...

yours is the best blog ever. The End.

That Kind of Girl said...

Frig, dude. I already suffer from an extreme fear of fish, due to a similar but less traumatic childhood incident. This story actually made me cry a little. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh.

Brilliantly told, of course, and the pictures were SPECTAC. Still, I'll be fending off nightmares tonight.

Erin W said...

I have tears from laughing so hard!

Mel said...

Oh NOOOO!!!! How traumatic. No wonder you feel the need to create MS paint drawings of people with scary eyes. Poor fishy. This is so traumatic. How could... tha....

Mmm.... tacos... mmmm.......

Sarah said...

I have a disturbingly similar memory about an eel. *shiver* *guilt* *overwhelming guilt* *tears*
Thank you for helping me find humor in that dark day.

wallflower said...

This made me smile.
I wonder if I have any crazy childhood stories too! I don't feel like entering my brain's memory right now though.

Love your blog. =]

Beckles said...

omg that was like "old yeller", but wayyy more graphic....and they didn't eat yeller...at lease i don't think they did...

Natalie said...

This is very honestly the funniest (and possibly the most disturbing) thing I've ever read.

valkyrie said...

heh. i grew up on a lake, and we fed ourselves from said lake, so i was never overly upset about the fish. the thing that made my little girl heart bleed was the crickets they used to catch the fish, we had buckets of them sitting around, chirping LETMEOUTLETMEOUT all day long. so i'd liberate crickets every night, when everyone else went to bed.

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

I don't have a fish story because my father refused to take us fishing because he did not want to be cruel to them.

But he did take us to Poland to visit all our relatives (they're all crazy), and some of them killed a pig for us, and I saw it, and was traumatized by it, but I still love to eat bacon.

And once I stepped on a baby bird by mistake, but we didn't eat it. At least, I hope not...

tiggerbone said...

I am reading this at work. I laughed so hard that I fell out of my chair.

And then I read it again.

I am pretty sure that my co-workers think that I am demented. I need to show them this post so that they know the truth.

Thank you so much for making my night a bit brighter.

TB said...

OMG, I almost peed my pants from laughing so hard! I am going to hell for laughing at a dead fish.

CrackedGem said...

SO. FUNNY.

Meat Sweats said...

That was great. You always make me laugh the hardest when I need it the most.

Ashton King said...

I don't think I've ever laughed so hard while being so disturbed at the same time. Your drawings are awesome.

Shauna (Fido & Wino) said...

When I was a kid I wanted a dog. My dad got me a goldfish. He told me that a goldfish could do pretty much everything a dog could do.

In my mind this meant that I could teach my goldfish to swim through a hoop.

I slowly dipped one of my bracelets into the goldfish bowl. I scared the sh*t out of the fish and he tried to dive under the marbles at the bottom of the bowl to save himself.

He suffocated.

That damn fish was nothing like a dog.

Maureen said...

Ohh, poor fishie! Pets + Deyhdration do not mix.

But... ummm... yay fish tacos! MMMM I want one now!

Andhari said...

Lol poor little fish! Must've been a "SAW" kind of death for it. Lol.

But fish taco sounds great.

Martyn said...

You made my nose run from laughing so much. Thanks, now I have snot on my desk...

Brandy said...

I am literally CRYING with laughter right now.

One of your best, for sure.

Adrienne Hadaway said...

Holy crap, that was so funny.

My favorite part was "I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" That was until the part when you woke up your dad crying and covered in blood holding a knife.

Hilarious

Sam Liu said...

This is rather disgusting...yet absolutely hilarious! Young and demented Allie is awesome :D

Nikoliosis said...

At one of my mid-elementary school birthdays my mom got me a huge thing of bubbles. Seriously, it was gigantic, Costco economy size. I think it was supposed to be a never ending supply of refills or something for the little ones with the wand. My friend Katelyn came over the next day and we played some game that involved digging a hole, filling it with bubble-fluid and throwing some dirt on it. Obviously, it was awesome and we used almost all of the bubbles. We then filled up the sink in my play kitchen with the rest of the bubbles and decided to put my brother's goldfish in it to watch him make bubbles with his gills. That didn't go quite as well as one would expect. I think my mom was angrier about me wasting all the bubbles than she was about killing the fish.

Ben said...

I finished reading all the previous entries in your blog the other night. Now I have to wait for each new entry. I press refresh several times a day, because maybe my RSS feed reader hasn't checked in the past 10 minutes and there is new one :)
I loved this article. The incident couldn't have affected you too badly though, you seem so normal..... :D

Christopher said...

awwww thats so cute

It reminds me of when I was little. We got a brand new aquarium and we got it all set up and then we went to go get some cool little fishies from the petstore. They were all bright and shiney and it was my job to take care of them and make sure they were fed. Sadly no one ever told me that fish could be overfed. They kept eating, I kept feeding. They all died. I still get sad telling people that story and they still laugh at me. I mean, I want to have kids some day for crying out loud. People tell me you can't really overfeed them though.

Kristoff said...

Aaaaahahahahah, that's hilarious, and completely disturbing. I'm so glad I'm reading this first thing in the morning, otherwise I suspect I would have nightmares

joshkart said...

That was so brilliant. So brilliant.

Spike said...

The image when you woke your dad, along with the bobsled ride of the story, dark and inspired. How you're looking up so our perspective is dad's. That's really funny.

I was laughing pretty hard while reading this, sitting here by myself in my dark basement office.

Oh, and you made statistics class interesting the other day, so thanks.

Moooooog35 said...

I'm pretty positive this is how Jeffrey Dahmer started out.

Kasey said...

I can't help imagining little bits of patio in the fish tacos. Icky.

This reminds me a little of a dream I had last night, wherein I was transported to my childhood and finally got the pet rat I had always wanted. As much as I tried to play with it, it would just bite my fingers and run off to hide in a dark corner. Finally, in nine-year-old fury, I killed it. The details regarding how I killed it are missing from my memory of the dream, but I definitely killed it.

Anyway. Fabulously gripping story. The pictures are wonderful as always, but I'm growing concerned that your parents never gave you anything other than that pink dress to wear. Not even hand-me-downs from cousins or the girl with the funny hand down the street?

Phoebe. said...

LOL YOU JUST MADE MY DAY.

Elisa said...

I REALLY need to remember not to read your blog at work. I end up giggling uncontrollably and no matter how much I try to stop I can't and then I end up laughing harder and then people stare at me and go "shhh" and then they think I'm crazier than they already thought minutes beforehand. I blame YOU for my inability to get a raise at work ;)

Jordan said...

I have a very similar story that involves a squirrel that my cat had caught and a walking stick. Except my bitch of a little brother was standing behind me the whole time crying his little bitch eyes out and screaming "YOU MURDERER" over and over again. i still maintain that it was a mercy killing, but my brother till this day talks about "The time you murdered a squirrel.

Rita/Fighting Off Frumpy said...

You know why I love this (besides the fact that it's hilarious and awesome)? Because I can RELATE. Though I never got that exact opportunity, I would have done something SO similar as a child.

Bunnee said...

Aww, you little killer, you! That was too funny and I can totally relate. The little girl banging against the aquarium in Finding Nemo? That was me. What they don't tell you in the movie though is that the angelfish are giant pussies. Their delicate constitution apparently couldn't handle the stresses of sub-aquatic earthquakes created by a psychotic toddler on a daily basis so they all up and died. Muahahahah!

Just A Girl said...

Allie, what the FUCK?! That's the most traumatic story ever! I wouldn't have done it. You were a brave 7 year old.

Kate said...

Buahahaha!!!! That was maybe the funniest thing I've read all week. Love it.

vitriolpoisoned said...

Just have to let you know that you totally blew my "reading interwebs at work" cover - I laughed so hard, I snorted. Loud. And repeatedly.

Thanks a lot, Allie. Good going there.

One Pork Chop said...

Poor little fish. :(

You were a demented little child, and I love you.

IAN WRIMYN said...

Did your dad make the fish tacos out of the mangled fish? That's kind of sinister.......

Boomka said...

Hilarious. I mean just hilarious. In other news, I had a dream the other night that you changed your blog template and it was all serious and intense. And now I'm realizing I sound like a creep. *sigh* Never mind.

V$ said...

fucking. hilarious. FISH TACOS!!! *dead*

Melanie said...

I'm seriously effing crying and howling with laughter right now. BEST POST EVER.

Kara said...

Thank you for making me pee my pants at work. At least there's a spare pair in my car from my impromptu Target trip this morning...

Windsor Grace said...

I'm really shocked 7 year-old you had the balls to try to kill the fish with a butcher knife. Suddenly, this whole blog is making sense.

Bridget Callahan said...

If you could make a t-shirt with all the illustrations in this story, but no explanations, I would buy it and wear it every day. EVERY DAY.

r joy c said...

i don't know HOW you depict such nuanced facial expressions in MS PAINT. it's amazing!! your posts brighten my day.

Heather said...

This made me die laughing. I just found your blog today. Congratulations, you are my newest Blog Hero.

filmgirl said...

BEST. BLOG. EVER!!!

Emily said...

I'm pretty sure this post has actually retroactively harmed MY childhood. I am HORRIFIED. Horrified and amused.

Genevieve said...

This is the best story in the history of stories.

jassy_onya'e said...

ok, I just started following you and this blog totally had me dying on the floor full of laughter. Thanks so much =]

Ben said...

Somehow I'm drawing parallels between this and the disappointment that I wasn't going to grow up to become a detective who is also a raccoon.

Remy Lane said...

OMFG. I should not read your blog while at work. Crying from laughter.

And I thought I was bad with fish. The first one that died, I cried and freaked out for half an hour because I was by myself and couldn't stand the thought of touching a dead fish, let alone flushing down a toilet. I had to wait for someone to come over and do it for me.

I was 22.

Selis said...

Wow, dramatic experience; you should be happy to have such a supportive dad! :)

itsmin said...

ZOMG! "chickie! sob sob sob." (yes, I've had a similar traumatic experience involving rural Korea and selecting a chicken as a "pet").

Christine said...

welp. i just laughed so hard i cried and now my makeup is messed up at work - THANKS.

fathima said...

Hilarious! love the pics! :D

a blount said...

i had to stop reading this in class because i started to laugh uncontrollably out loud. the illustrations make it GREAT.

Dora Berry said...

This made me cry I laughed so hard. The distressed parent's looks at the dinner table is the topper.

Benny Paul said...

Amazing. Many of us have stories like that... For some reason, parents never make it clear that fishing usually = killing. We all seem to go on thinking fishing = finding a new best fishy friend until the moment the fish gets chopped up.
See, I was expecting that. There are tons of sad fish stories out there. It's an archetype... if that's even the right word?
But accidentally suffocating the fish and then hacking it to death in an attempt to put it out of its misery? Holy shit. THAT'S a story. Impressive that you managed that as a little kid!
Moral of the story: when life hands you a tear-inducing bloody dying fish, make fish tacos.

Steph Vicious said...

Oh my god, I just laughed so hard.

Griffon said...

OMG this is hilarious, I have four daughters and can totally see one of them doing this... By the time you got to the part with going in to wake up the dad I was in tears laughing...

Classic, I have to pass this on!

Alice said...

that picture of you looking up at your dad is FANTASTIC. i can only hope my hypothetical future offspring are as awesome as you.

Absolutely Small said...

This made me laugh so hard. Er, not at you, more like...with you. I had a similar, albeit not as bloody fish experience as a child. Anyway, really enjoying your blog as it is quite awesome.

Anonymous said...

fish....tacos....?
you ate the fish you just accidentally killed & almost decapitated?
groooss.

Uber Chic said...

ur really talented......i llike your blog (newcomer)

thinay said...

so cute....fish tacos.anyone?

bRice said...

Good lord. I am super happy that this was pretty much the opposite of my childhood experiences.

elizawhat.com said...

I feel guilty that I laughed that hard at your childhood trauma. I'm really glad my dad introduced fried fish to me before he took me fishing.

My favorite pic in this post is the one of you waking your dad up. I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. Thank you!!

5 Kids With Disabilities said...

Oh, this is soooooooo funny! I have a few kids who would have reacted exactly the same way! (But I would have never had the nerve to serve fish tacos!!!)
Lindsey Petersen

Lindsay said...

Dear Allie,
This is my first comment on your blog. I just wanted to let you know that I think you're hilarious! My coworker and I can't stop laughing whenever we read your posts. We just recently discovered your blogs and we've both already read through your archive. We love it all!
Lindsay
P.S. You really need to publish that book of yours. I will totally buy the crap out of it.

Ally:) said...

that's one of those stories that you feel bad about laughing about xD the picture of you as a little girl all bloody and crying just killed me!!!!!

Unforgettable said...

My roommates think I'm crazy. I have been rolling on the floor for the past 4 minutes. :) once again, YOU ARE AWESOME. you just made my weekend

Out of Sync said...

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry!!" Hahahaha oh geez that was one of the funniest things I've ever read!

Gillian Foley said...

I have not laughed this hard in a looooong time! Thanks!!

danineteen said...

omg. OMG OMG OMG. haha :D

cakehouse said...

i just almost peed my pants. that illustration of you looking up at your dad.....holy crud. and the glint of sunshine on the knife..... genius.

inkxaviary said...

A childhood story about a fish ruined my life (maybe not ruined, but put me on the path to deep cynicism). Ordinary amos and the amazing fish. A harrowing tale about a man dragged to a watery grave by mutant fish, only to be saved last minute so he could be their pet. Neglected, starved, depressed, and possibly alcoholic he was eventually thrown back into the air. Abandoned by irresponsible pet owners. By the by, his cat was also starving and neglected in his absence. Brought to you by little golden books! :)

jamina1 said...

Oh god, poor you :(

I have a similar story.. we had two goldfish, and one had stopped eating abruptly. Being a tiny little 5 or 6 year old I didn't know this, but apparently my mom had taken note of the health of my fish.

So one day I come home from school and open the fridge to get a snack. There's something wrapped in a paper towel. I open it up and find my fish, its head SEVERED FROM ITS BODY.

I think I about died.

Miss Mayhem said...

Hahaha! I have a fishy story, too! My dad took me fishing and I caught a cute little bluegill. It was the biggest fish I've ever caught, so I begged him to let me keep it, he said if it survived being in the tackle-box for the rest of the fishing trip, we could keep it. He lived! We brought him home and put him in our fish tank with my siblings' fish. Then my new fish ate my sisters fishes left eye and killed it. We brought it back to the lake later that day! My sister still hasn't forgiven me...

-Miss Mayhem

Hala Des said...

Great stuff HAHAHAHA! You rock!

Ca9ine said...

ROFL!

Just found your hilarious blog, and I'm NEVER EVER leaving!

This site just went into my links section!

Blame The Oatmeal, TBH.

Ed said...

Smurfette has a similar experience but it was with a squirrel.

Julie said...

Shocked by myself,I almost cried. I think it was really sad.. wtf.
Awesome story and drawings though!:D

goldNboi7 said...

lol I have no idea how I found this, but I thoroughly enjoyed the story...I want a daughter just like that one day, with some training we can open a sushi restaurant...

Spark said...

I'm very happy that Oatmeal tweeted this. Otherwise I'd never have found this section of internet awesomeness.

dogimo said...

As soon as I read that second panel, I said "this is still going to have a happy ending, somehow."

And it did!

HecPac said...

When I was a child I build an electric fence for my syrian hamster by the rails of my electric toy train. I turned the controller of the transformer to maximum power output but it doesn't work, he could escape from his maximum security prison.

Em said...

LOL! never laughed so hard at a blog. EVER.

marian said...

this is brilliant. sublime.

G. Michael Reynolds said...

I had a similar experience as a kid, except it was with a kitten whose larynx was collapsed by a neighborhood dog and was suffocating to death. So I tried to put him out of his misery with the only thing I had, which was a shovel. It didn't really work, at least not the first several attempts.

There was no taco happy ending. :(

ee said...

the second-to-last panel almost killed me with laughter. this blog really IS awesome.

Layla Winterborne said...

I just fell out of my chair laughing.

Kayla said...

The I'm sorry picture instantly reminded me of Forgetting Sarah Marshall when Peter kills the pig.

Hilarious.

Mike said...

I only stumbled across your blog yesterday and OH MY GOD, I love them so much, there so amazingly funny.

Its the type of humour lots of people might find "immature", but the truth is, no one is mature, some just hide there immaturity better then others.

There's not many things I find browsing the web that make me laugh out loud, but your blog is one that does. Cant wait to read your next post.

The Unrepentant Gallivanter said...

This just makes me laugh until tears come out my eyes.....every time!

relayer said...

Dear Miss Allie so-and-so,

I would like to inform you that I have just finished reading ever single blog post of yours. You are damn funny.

If I had a nickel for every time I liked your blog and/or liked something in your blog and/or laughed at your blog and/or every time you won something and/or every time my mortal existence has been redefined by something that's 7000% awesome, I would have enough money to create the most intricate pyramid scheme ever devised and make you rich and magically also somehow famous for ever and ever.

Proof of your awesomeness: I am Proof

Do you see that! That's my Google effing Chrome homepage you just made it onto! That means you now are a shareholder of my soul.

Congratulations.

Laura said...

This has been my day:

1. Laugh at little girl mercy killing a fish.
2. Wonder if there is something wrong with me for finding it funny.
3. Repeat.

Then I realized there was a whole blog of funny shit and now I'm not going to get anything done for days.

Ben said...

I'm so hanging out for today's Spaghatta Nadle. I keep on pressing refresh hoping its here!
Well I'm going for a walk now, I hope its there when I get back :)

The one who got away said...

WOW I am at a loss for words to describe how funny this is. I'm going to go creep your whole blog now. See you later!

Malou said...

I. Love. You.

:)

themotherunit said...

Hello darling, this is your mother again. In the telling of this story, you forgot the part when I came home from grocery shopping to find you running around to the front of the house with a butcher knife in your hand. RUNNING! WITH A BUTCHER KNIFE!!! I, for one, will never forget THAT little scene! And, you may recall that your father never took you fishing again, or hunting for that matter (not that he knew how to do that anyway). Nor was he so inclined to nap while watching you girls. Speaking of fish stories, how about “The Resurrection” when you were almost three? Actually, perhaps that would be inappropriate so close to Easter and all......your call.

Love, Mom

Imnotbenny said...

That "I'm sorry" pic is the funniest damn thing I have ever seen, Allie.

Judy said...

I just discovered your blog. Your cartoons are incredible, you stories hilarious...what can I say? I live in Ohio. I have a similar sense of humor. People look at me funny sometimes. Oh well.

Anonymous said...

why haven't you written something to entertain me in the past three whole days?! :(

Eileen said...

Hi! New reader here (not a creeper, I promise, just an insanely talented procrastinator). Came across this today, freaking LOVE the blog and pictures. Thought it's only right to say thanks for making me laugh this hard :D will try not to read this in public where people will probably wonder why that girl is cracking up randomly.

Amanda said...

Kids are so stupid and cute when they're little. I totally believe the whole story up until your dad asked if you wanted fish tacos for dinner. HE didn't really, did he?

Allie said...

Amanda - Regrettably, yes he did. I don't remember whether they were actually fish tacos, but we definitely ate the fish in some form. I don't know if I really understood what was going on, but I remember my mom trying to explain how the fish's life wasn't wasted if we ate him. She was trying to make me feel less guilty. She did a good job on damage-control :)

Just Like Crap said...

Hilarious

Jay said...

Holy crap, this was HILARIOUS.

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Cal said...

Pretty much one of the funniest blogs ive ever read. Stumbled on and now im keepin it :D

Anonymous said...

Oh my god, I think I just about peed myself with the "I'M SORRY I'M SORRY" and waking up your dad bloodied with a butcher knife. Amazing.

I think the most traumatic animal-death scenario of my childhood was the time my dad found a OMG-HOW-COULD-A-RAT-BE-THAT-BIG rat in our laundry room, froze it SOLID with a fire extinguisher, then took it outside and SMASHED the frozen-rat-block with a shovel. Into a million and one pieces.

So so fucking awful.

pixiethinkspurple said...

okay. this is hilariously disturbing! :))))))))))

Bill said...

This made me laugh so hard. The drawings were absolutely fantastic, for the love of God keep up the good work.

Samuel Contreraz said...

I am so glad I'm not your best friend.

Skreeran said...

I have sad childhood story involving fish, but not with nearly as much blood.

So I loved fish, right? Ever since my parents took me to the aquarium for the first time, I absolutely loved fish.

So my parents got me a fish tank. Not a fish bowl. A tank. With about 7 fish in it.

I loved it.

Until they started dying.

One at a time.

You see, goldfish don't live very long. A few months later and I had a death tank. Every couple weeks I'd wake up to another dead fish.

I was really quiet that year.

Anonymous said...

I've never laughed so hard and actually cried twice from laughter. Once when I read it and wen I showed it to my mom and probably again tomorrow when I shows my friends. You had an interesting childhood :')

Gleno said...

Wow... thank you Stumble Upon.

Is this how Salad Fingers got his start too?

Great story. My condolences on the fish. How were the tacos?

(Hey, check out my blog at Glenoterica.BlogSpot.com)

Gleno said...

P.S. It just dawned on me that you'd love my "Cow Story" on my blogspot page.

http://glenoterica.blogspot.com/2010/02/greatest-story-ever-told-or-why-i-was.html

Le! said...

aaaaah I had to leave a comment! I did EXACTLY the same!!! really with my goldfish though...I wanted to save it from it's misery and thought the quickest way was to chop it's head of with a knife! I did same! Also screamed that I was sorry please just die etc, must have been same age...still tell my friends the always think I was a horrible kid...I am so happy there are more people like me...I feel a better person...finally at 35 I can start living again

soothinglyderanged said...

Wow, just... wow.

*High Five!*

Jeff said...

Lordy, this was funny! The drawings really add to it. I wish my blog was funny like this. Mine...sucks.

Anonymous said...

This site is like a less funny version of The Oatmeal...

Jan Michael Yu said...

HAHAHAHAHAHA...




*GASP*




HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Anonymous said...

Great story and your drawings make it totally awesome - really gives it the kid feeling.

My daughter is almost 6 and she bonded with a stick on a hike this weekend. She was dipping it streams to give it drinks, poking it in mud and leaves to give it snacks. She totally wanted to bring it home, and feed it a variety of foods, including cashews. Reminds me a lot of your story!

sharon said...

epic fish taco photo story. win.

Jo Jupiter said...

I laughed so hard I had to stop in the middle of the story to go pee. Thank you for that; you are the Rocking-est MS Paint Mistress!!

Anonymous said...

tacos are amazing but fish tacos are not at all

-=tacolover=-

Kathryn said...

I laughed and cried at the same time. bravo.

Anonymous said...

Lol that was amazing!!! The story turned so quick i nearly choked when i saw her crazy little eyes haha keep up the great work!! :P

Anonymous Blogger said...

I disagree with the comment above -- you're MUCH funnier than The Oatmeal, but why do your comics look so similar, and why is the humor similar as well? Are his evil twin sister?

Griffin said...

I feel like we should make out... on a purely "friends" basis.

Get in touch. *wink*

Anonymous said...

Way too funny! I'll never be able to look at a fish taco in the eye again.

David Meech said...

Hahaha! Oh man this is why I love stumble upon. I lost my shit reading this, the pictures were classic. I never laughed out loud this hard in a while.

MightyChristinaDawn said...

Google Reader lovingly sent me to this post, and it made my day.
And then I read the entire archive of your posts.

And now I am happy.

I guess I should figure out how to follow blogs so that I can lurk efficiently. :)

Mike said...

you are seriously disturbed, and a good artist. I like that

Boy said...

You're like... my favorite person ever right now. Thank you

Mark Manderson said...

Whew! I'm glad the story had a happy ending.

Anonymous said...

My dog caught a chipmunk last year and when I found it, it was immobile, yet breathing. I thought the worst, that it was paralyzed and in pain and got a meat cleaver.

Took two chips, but the first one actually did the trick.

Then later someone told me it might just have been in shock and it would have gotten better.

dbs said...

This so reminds me of the incident that ruined my childhood: kitten meets old-fashioned mostly metal lazy-boy recliner. Oy.

Anonymous said...

Lololol. You rock! I love your blog :D srsly, you are a genius.

Marie said...

This is likely the funniest thing I have ever come across in my life. This is certain genius. I found this via Stumbleupon, and have now spent a day - that was supposed to be spent studying statistical analyses - obsessively reading everything else you have written. My god woman. You are hilarious but you should already know that by now. I'm also pretty sure one of my friends will get the pain chart poster for her birthday.

kelliegonzo said...

everything on this blog has made me burst into a fit of joyful laughter. and it's not even 8:30 am. thanks. it's been a tough week. *hits subscribe*

I LOVE CREEPY/SUPER WICKED AWESOME ILLUSTRATIONS!!!!

James said...

Fish tacos! Hell yeah! oh yeah sorry about your fish.

Anonymous said...

What.
The.
Fuck.

Christina In Wonderland said...

I laughed so hard at your trauma that I cried. I'm a bad person, Allie. Forgive me. :/

James said...

It says you are entitled to your opinion however you are a moron. the cartoon is in the tradition of a artists like Don Hertzfeldt who is an amazing cartoonist. quit showing your ignorance please.

Anonymous said...

I think its discusting and not funny at all. I feel really sorry for the fish...I know you didnt mean it but damn, its really sick.

Anonymous said...

Drug isn't a word, however dragged most definitely is. Also, fish blood doesn't squirt or splatter out of them...fish don't have veins, their blood just kind of swishes around inside of them. The only reason human blood sprays is because of the pressure created by heart palpitations, thus pushing blood out at a high pressure. Fish blood...not so messy... Just so you know.

Anonymous said...

As a father of a 7 year old daughter whom i take fishing, i could relate to the experience and pictures even better.... super traumatizing as you know it is never gonna end well and just gets worse.... glad my daughter understands we catch fish, daddy cooks them and they taste yummy...
and that she knows not to touch knives :/.... great post, so hilarious and siturbing all at once

Elisa said...

You should probably know that EVERY time I check your site now (which is embarrassingly aka awesomely often) I come back and read this story and laugh until I cry. It's getting real fuckin awkward at work.

Crystal@pshhaww.net said...

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! That was win!

t.bird said...

i just peed my pants.
seriously- my skivvies are a little wet.

beesus said...

Allie. You need to know. That basically this story made my life. Something about your tear slash blood splattered face in front of your dad upon waking sends me into histrionics so vocal and snotty I'm prrrretty sure everyone at my office believes me to epileptic. So basically what I'm saying is, everybody wins.

Adam said...

That was a really sad story but oh man, I have literally never laughed so hard or uncontrollably at work, complete with teary eyes for how sad the story was and how hard I was laughing. I still haven't finished reading it since I had to stop myself so I don't disrupt my coworkers or make them think I'm crazy.

Jade said...

rapier wit...childhood is just that weirdly brutal and brutally funny isn't it? great story telling...

Anonymous said...

I love this forever.

acp1989 said...

and that didn't make you vegetarian?

Anonymous said...

Found your blog via StumbleUpon... almost peed myself laughing. I'm gonna read more!

Drew said...

I love you for this.

:-)

Michelle Grimord Eggers said...

oh my goodness. I just laughed until i started crying. hah!

Anonymous said...

loolololololololol!

Anonymous said...

I have read this post 5 times now in the past 2 days and every time I have cried with hysterical laughter. It is a shame on my part that yesterday was the first time I've seen your blog. Your work is incredible. I am now a fan for life!

SatisfiedMind said...

A sling blade would of worked better I reckon.

Kyle said...

This has to be the funniest thing I've ever read on teh interwebs. Your poor dad....

Camar said...

What a great story. Thanks. I can't remember the last time I laughed so hard....come to think of it, laughed at all. I'll be watching you.

Jim said...

I want to go to taco hell now...hmm...yum.

Lydia said...

OMGs! I am SO TERRIFIED of fish from a series of childhood fish "events" that resulted in absolute horror. and NONE of them are this awful! I think I was already petrified of fish by the time I was old enough to dig a hole, lol, so I totally would never have wanted it as a pet - but I really hope you have a serious case of ichthyophobia after this. I know I do!

Anonymous said...

oooh wow. I've never laughed so hard in my life over paint pictures. Ahahaha. I actually cried from laughing so hard. Thank you for making my day a million times better.

Tit Elingtin said...

This was very sad but hallarious at the same time.

The violent compassion, was very touching.

Pokey said...

I'm laughing so hard, my husband keeps asking me what is so funny!

Anonymous said...

OMG!!! That was hilarious! As I'm noticing this totally brings back deja vous from traumatic fishing stories as a young kid. Love it!

To the person who posted the first comment...
I'm soooooo sorry if that was my dog that ate your buried hamster. He's so pretty.....

str4y said...

possibly the greatest story ever told.

Anonymous said...

I laughed, because you wrote "drug" when you meant "dragged". Oh and because of the story or something.

Anonymous said...

I have a similar story... kind of.

I was on vacation in Florida one summer, and i decided to go fishing at the creek. I sat there for what felt like 10 hours without even a nibble, until my brother walked up, cast out his line, immediately catching a fish. (of course)
Unfortunately, neither him or me actually knew how to get a fish off of a line, and this one had what looked like a foo-man-chu mustache, which is pretty intimidating on a fish. (it was a catfish)
So we ended up bringing it back to the house and let it dangle in a plastic bag, still attached to the fishing line overnight, so that in the morning it will have suffocated...
But It didn't...
My grandma woke up and found a live fish in a bag attached to a fishing pole leaning against her house, so she decided that it would be a good idea to bash it's face into the pavement a few times just to teach it a lesson. The mustachioed fish thought it was a good idea to flop around some more... So she put it in the fridge (I know like wtf? but whatevs)
So lunchtime came round and i found the fish wriggling around in the fridge. I told my grandpa what happened, so he grabbed a steakknife and the fish and headed outside. Then he stabbed it through the head and blood started spurting everywhere, but it was STILL ALIVE, so he stabbed it twice more and it deflated like a balloon, even making that pathetic "pvvvvvvt" noise.

Later we gutted it and found that it was pregnant with hundreds of tiny eggs in it... Also it tasted like rotten garbage... yeah!

HalfAsstic.com said...

Heh. So... oblivious much? ;-)

HalfAsstic.com said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Everglades paddler said...

I experienced--rather, watched--this same thing unfold on a camping trip with adults! A fish jumped into our canoe. We didn't have a big knife. The most gentle person in our group decided to end the poor fish's life by whacking it on the picnic table. Needless to say, that didn't work. "Sorry sorry sorry," etc. Same story.

Charles F. Oxtrot said...

The funniest part of that story is a Californian invading Idaho and the punchline suggesting Californians are superior because they are traumatized by their own stupidity. That's a regular laugher. The Idaho panhandle needs more California culture like that. After all, without California sophisticates, Idahoans might actually enjoy those horrible gravel roads, the absence of White Man's Fire to keep everyone existentially comfortable, and of course the deep mocking wit that demonstrates how uncivil those Idahoans are for fishing. How many sq ft in Ms Brosh's humble Northern Idaho "cabin"? 4k? 5k? And how many brand-new SUVs were in the picture? How many cell phones?

So incredibly funny, that glance down the nose at Idaho. Fucking hilarious!

Northern Rockies, a cultural wasteland until invaded by Californians! Praise the yuppies! Forever!

Andreas said...

Lovely and funny story!

My dad taught me on day 1 of fishing that the best thing to do was to stick your thumb inside its mouth, find the right spot and then apply enough force to sever some sort of spinal cord thingy. Worked like a charm on small and medium sized fish!

Incidentally, I did a similar thing at my age, but with an mortally wounded bird (a cat was behind this) and a shovel that was to big for me. I couldn't stand seeing the shovel hit the little bird lying panting on the ground, so I kept flailing with the shovel and crying at the same time. At some point I just wanted it to end so I took aim and smashed it good. I didn't yell at the cat, she just wanted to feed me I guess. :S

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